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you he wants me to quit my job?
Butch nodded. Yeah. I m sorry about that. I know how much you love it.
Zac rolled his eyes. He didn t love it. That s what no one seemed to understand.
Although he was an excellent EMT, he didn t get any more joy out of it than he would if he
were a sacker at the grocery store. Still, he had to earn a living. If working at the clinic was
the way to do that, he wouldn t fight it.
I don t like the idea of working nights, but I think I ll talk to Dr. Browning about the
job at the clinic. Sucks that I ll lose my benefits and seniority though.
The worry over how he could make a relationship work with Jakob while they were
both working odd shifts was also a concern. Of course the fact that it was a concern at all was
something positive to cling to.
There you are.
Zac turned towards the familiar voice and smiled as Jakob walked towards him. Zac
stood to welcome Jakob, but suddenly thought better of it and sat back down. Looking too
anxious might make him look like a fool if Jakob had come to give him the kiss-off speech.
Hi.
Butch stood and held out his hand to greet Jakob. If you don t mind, I m gonna go
grab something to eat while the two of you talk.
Jakob nodded and sat in Butch s spot on the bench. Zac noticed Jakob s hand resting,
palm up between them. He knew it was Jakob s way of inviting Zac s touch but not forcing it
on him. Maybe he wasn t going to get that kiss-off speech after all.
An apology was in order and Zac knew it. He reached down and threaded his fingers
through Jakob s. I imagine I scared you pretty bad, huh?
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Yeah. Jakob lifted Zac s hand to his mouth and kissed it. It would ve been easier to
cope with had I known what you were dealing with beforehand.
Don t take it personally, Zac said. I m pretty good at keeping my cards close to the
vest. Otherwise I would probably be completely alone in the world.
Jakob transferred their clasped hands to his thigh. He opened Zac s hand and began to
draw circles on his palm. It was obvious to Zac that Jakob was getting ready to speak and
wanted to measure his words carefully.
There s nothing you can t tell me. I love you. I know I ve told you that several times
now, but I don t think you understand what that means to me. I could lie and tell you my
love is unconditional, but that isn t true. I need to know you love me, and I need to know
you ll always be honest, no matter what. Even if you think it s something that ll hurt my
feelings or piss me off. And I d like the peace of mind that comes with knowing I can do the
same with you.
It was a lot to take in, so Zac gave himself a few moments to think about what Jakob
had said. He was so used to hiding his true feelings. Zac wasn t convinced he could suddenly
morph into Mr. Open and Honest.
Regardless of what happened between them, there was still a secret he hadn t revealed
to anyone. He glanced over his shoulder at the orderly who d taken up position under a
shade tree. John, as his dad had called him, evidently was used to waiting for patients
because he d produced a small paperback book and was reading. John glanced up and
smiled at Zac.
Zac turned back around to find Jakob staring at him. I need to tell you something, but
I m not ready for anyone else to hear it.
Jakob scooted closer and wrapped his arm around Zac. Okay, he whispered.
First of all, I don t know if I ll ever be able to feel what everyone else seems to take for
granted.
I know that.
Zac nodded. Okay. Zac took a deep breath. To confess his greatest sin was to risk
losing not only Jakob s love but his final secret. Biting his lip, he looked into Jakob s eyes. He
needed to see Jakob s initial reaction to what he was about to tell him.
He took Jakob s hand and pressed it lightly against his cheek. I did this.
Jakob s brows drew together. You? Not Terry?
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Not Terry, Zac confessed.
Jakob appeared confused but not horrified. Were you trying to kill yourself?
Zac released Jakob s hand and dropped his head. He d been beyond hurt and confused
that night, but his goal wasn t to commit suicide, it was to& what? Zac once again replayed
the incident in detail, relaying the fight to Jakob as it occurred.
Terry smashed my table with a baseball bat. By that time I was already at my lowest
point because he told me the two of you had been fucking behind my back. Zac glanced up
at Jakob. Now I know it was all lies. But at the time, I believed him. He told me he knew
how crazy I was, said I d been able to skate through life as sane because of the way I looked.
Zac started to look away again, but Jakob reached out and cupped the side of Zac s face,
holding him in place. He said I was a good fuck and since the crazy wasn t noticeable, he
hadn t minded. I told him he was wrong, that I wasn t crazy, and he started laughing. He
said no one would ever really know since I was too pretty to see beyond it, that people
stopped at my surface and would never bother with what was inside so my secret was safe
with him.
So you proved him wrong, Jakob whispered.
I don t even know what I was thinking at the time. I just wanted him to shut up. I
remember reaching down and picking up a piece of the glass, but that s all. Kinda like in the
shower that day. I know the intent was there, as fucked up as it was, but I don t remember
actually doing it.
Zac s throat constricted as he fought to breathe around the pain that washed over him.
Terry was right all along. I am crazy.
No! Jakob said, shaking Zac. Terry wasn t right. I love you. Inside and out. You re
depressed, not crazy. And now that we know how to help you, you ll start to see that too.
As the tears began to fall, Zac crumpled against Jakob. I just want to be normal. I
wanna feel things. I want to be happy, but I don t know how, he said around his sobs.
Shhh, Jakob soothed, kissing the top of Zac s head as he pulled him into his lap. I
want to be there when you rediscover those things. Will you let me?
What if I never do?
I won t give up hope as long as you don t, Jakob told him. He leaned in for a kiss but
Zac stopped him.
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Hang on. Zac reached down and lifted the bottom of his T-shirt to wipe his runny
nose. For some reason, the simple action drew a chuckle from Jakob. Why s that so funny?
Jakob put his mouth to Zac s ear and whispered. I ve swallowed your cum and licked
your asshole, you really think a little snot is gonna turn me off?
Zac s hand flew to his mouth as he tried to stifle the laugh that threatened. Jakob pulled
Zac s hand away.
Don t hide it. Let it out.
Zac removed his hand and laughed. It had been a while since he d felt like laughing.
He d become so accustomed to faking it, he d forgotten about the butterflies he felt when he
did it for real.
Once he d settled down, he pressed his lips against Jakob s. The invasion of Jakob s
tongue felt better than it ever had. Zac wasn t sure if it was the medication starting to kick in
or the knowledge that Jakob knew everything and still felt like probing his tonsils.
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Chapter Six
It wasn t quite six-thirty in the morning when Zac crawled into bed. He snuggled his
nude body against Jakob s and sighed. It had been a long night. At least when he worked at
the station he d been able to sleep most nights.
Although sound asleep, Jakob pulled Zac against his chest, holding him like a child
with his security blanket. Zac smiled. Living with Jakob hadn t been without problems, but
the two of them were working on it. Zac knew most of his issues in the beginning had to do
with unfounded worries that Jakob had agreed to Butch s wishes out of obligation. Zac no
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